Grandparent Opportunities 8/97
|
THE GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY -- "GRANDPARENTING"
_______________________________________________________________________
"Golden Opportunities for Grandparents" is an extension newsletter prepared by
Pennsylvania Family Living agents: Jane Beightol, Mifflin Co., (717)
248-9618; Andrea Bressler, Clearfield Co., (814) 765-7878; Nancy Covert,
Jefferson Co., (814) 849-7361; Debra Gregory, Huntingdon Co., (814) 643-1660;
Sandra Hall, Clinton Co., (717) 893-4050; and Jane Mecum, Perry Co., (717)
582-2131. This electronic version is for use by other agents or directly by
community members. (*Professionals: Please acknowledge the source of these
materials if you re-use them.)
_______________________________________________________________________
Volume 8, Number 4, 1997
IN THIS ISSUE
Helping Children Deal With Loss and Death
Who Gets What?
WhatUs Fair?
Cemetery Visits
Plant A Tree
Create A Family Cookbook
Dear Grandparents,
Loss and death are natural parts of life that children, as well as adults, are
not immune to. Friends moving away, watching television news shows or dealing
with the death of pets or loved family members are the range of childrenUs
experiences with loss and death. Learning to cope with loss and death is a
life skill that can be taught and should be explored so adults and children
can learn to go on living.
Children immediately look to adults for support at this time. Assistance can
be offered and support sought from a network of other parents, relatives,
neighbors, schools, and community professionals. There may be bereavement
support groups and grief counseling available through HOSPICE, funeral
services and hospitals. Reading about the situation may help you prepare.
The following books are available to borrow at the Cooperative Extension
Office or check with your local library or bookstore.
Are you Sad Too? Helping Children Deal With Loss and Death. Seibert, Drolet,
and Fetro, 1993, ETR Associates (1-800-321-4407)
Parenting in the 90. Brooks, Jane, 1994. Mayfield Publishing.
Reducing Stress in Young ChildrenUs Lives. McCracken, Janet, editor, 1986,
National Association for the Education of Young Children.
Living With Grief: When Illness is Prolonged. Doka, Kenneth, editor, 1997,
Hospice Foundation of America.
Sincerely,
Debra A. Gregory, Extension Agent - Family Living
***********************************************************************
GRAND IDEAS
***********************************************************************
Cemetery Visits
Take a field trip to a cemetery, with your grandchildren, and explore. Before
you take your grandchildren with you, visit the cemetery yourself. Take a walk
around the grounds and decide on specific things to point out or activities to
do.
One activity to do on your field trip is to make grave marker rubbings. Take
along some white or light colored paper and pencils or colored pencils. During
your pre-visit, locate some grave markers that have interesting engravings.
Hold the paper next to the grave marker and rub gently over the paper with a
pencil. Explain to the children that you can tell a lot about the person
buried there by the words and pictures that are engraved on their marker.
Other areas to explore on your visit include: different sizes of grave markers
or monuments, unusually shaped markers, family mausoleums, urns of ashes,
decorations on the markers, flat markers, finding religious or military
symbols, and locating different words you find engraved on the grave markers.
Remember children like to ask many thought provoking questions. Answer their
questions honestly and directly.
Plant A Tree
Why not start a family tradition of planting trees to recognize special
occasions. Ask around the family and see who might like to have a new tree
planted near their home.
Hold a family dedication ceremony and place a plaque in the ground near the
tree stating when and why the tree was planted. When a new tree is planted,
take time to visit previously dedicated trees and share stories and memories
that surround them.
Create A Family Cookbook
While family members are gathered to recognize special occasions, ask them for
their favorite recipe. Put the recipes in a notebook and teach the RyoungerS
generation how to do it right- including all the hints that do not appear
always appear on paper. Why not try:
Baked Pineapple (with bread)
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/2 sugar (optional)
4 eggs
1 -20 oz can crushed pineapple
5 slices bread, cubed
Cream butter and sugar in bowl. Add eggs; beat well. Stir in pineapple
and bread. Pour into greased 1 1/2 quart casserole. Bake uncovered, at 350<
for 1 hour until lightly brown. Serve hot or cold.
Prepared by: Norma Lash, Fulton Co.
***********************************************************************
CHILDRENUS PAGE
***********************************************************************
Helping Children Deal With Death
I will never forget the morning that our dog, Lance, died. He had been a
family member for 16 years. My husband and I plus the children, ages 13,10,
and 8, each shared a quiet moment alone thinking about our cherished family
member. Sometimes as adults, we get side-lined with our own grief forgetting
that children also experience the same painful loss of much-loved relatives,
friends, and pets. It is our responsibility to help young children deal with
death.
How can you help your grieving grandchildren?
1) Be aware of the many feelings that are expressed during grief: guilt,
anger, sadness, disbelief, and numbness.
2) Answers questions openly and honestly. Children will have many questions
and you may not have the answers. DonUt let this keep you from talking to
your grandchildren.
3) Sharing your own feelings will be helpful. Hiding your feelings about
death may be translated by children that feelings, especially about death
should be kept to oneself.
4) Explain things at their level. Young children operate in a concrete
world, they understand what they are able to see and touch.
5) Avoid expressions like Rhe passed away,S Rshe went to sleep,S or Rhe went
to a better place.S Children will often get mixed messages. For example,
they may be afraid to go to sleep at night for fear of not coming back.
It is not only important to listen to your grandchildren, but to observe them.
Grief is a process that doesnUt end a few days after a funeral. You may
notice that your grandchildren may not be able to express their grief right
away. They may exhibit signs of depression: withdrawal, poor school
performance, or changes in eating and sleeping habits days or weeks later.
How long does it take to get over grief? ThereUs no 1,2,3 answer here. Grief
is a painful process, and the important part is that you make yourself
available to your grandchildren. This helps the process move forward even if
the same feelings keep coming up over and over again. This may signal a
movement toward recovery. It is also common for children to grieve
intermittently often showing no signs and then suddenly longing for the lost
relationship. Again, be ready to listen and to discuss their feelings.
It is impossible to protect children from dealing with death P itUs a natural
part of growing up. However, it is possible to help your grandchildren get
through the grieving process successfully by having positive communications.
Prepared by: Janice Stoudnour, Family Living Agent, Bedford Co.
***********************************************************************
HERE COME THE GRANDKIDS
***********************************************************************
Who Gets What?
Your will is made out and all your titled property and assets will certainly
go to whomever you have specified. But what happens to all the untitled
property. Possibly there is a prized quilt that has been on the bed in the
guest room for years, an old clock on the mantle, or a platter you served the
Thanksgiving turkey on every year. These personal items can cause
considerable conflict among family members when you pass away.
Have you thought about what special items you have that might be special to
others as well. Possibly you have items you donUt consider very special, but
your granddaughter may love to own your well worn sewing basket as a memento
of you.
Ask your children and grandchildren what items they might like - what brings
them fond memories. You may be surprised what they tell you.
The best way to have these special items go to those who would appreciate them
most is to make a list with specific names and have it officially made a part
of your will.
WhatUs Fair?
Family members often have different perceptions of what is fair when it comes
to distribution of untitled property. Does the oldest child get first choice?
Does everyone get the same amount? Will a lottery system be used? Who
decides? What you consider fair may not be at all what your children and
grandchildren consider fair when it comes to deciding who gets what.
Personal belongings have different value and meaning to each individual.
There may be a monetary value as well as an emotional value attached to items.
Who determines the value of an item measured in dollars or emotional terms, or
a combination of both? What process is going to be used? Who should be
involved? Who is considered family? Are in-laws included?
If you are the owner and you are making the decisions as to who gets what, let
others know what guidelines you are using to decide who gets what. While
others may see things differently than you, talking about who gets what and
why can clear up some misunderstandings and reduce unnecessary tension.
Communication is the key. Talk about inheritance issues when you get together
with your family. Thoughtful discussions among family members can keep the
lines of communication open avoiding arguments and hurt feelings.
Prepared by: Jane Beightol, Family Living Agent, Mifflin County
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Dr. Dan Lago, Ph.D., Penn State Extension Aging Specialist
Penn State College of Agricultural Sciences
323 Ag. Administration Building, University Park, PA 16802-2601
(814) 863-7871
Internet Address: djl@psu.edu