Golden Opportunity-Grandparenting (Vol. 8, No. 2)
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The Golden Opportunity -- "Grandparenting"
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"The Golden Opportunity -- "Grandparenting" is an extension newsletter
prepared by Pennsylvania Family Living agents: Jane Beightol, Mifflin Co.,
(717) 248-9618; Andrea Bressler, Clearfield Co., (814) 765-7878; Nancy Covert,
Jefferson Co., (814) 849-7361; Debra Gregory, Huntingdon Co., (814) 643-1660;
Sandra Hall, Clinton Co., (717) 893-4050; and Jane Mecum, Perry Co., (717)
582-2131. This electronic version is for use by other agents or directly by
community members. (*Professionals: Please acknowledge the source of these
materials if you re-use them.)
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Volume 8, Number 2, 1997
IN THIS ISSUE . . .
Communication Checklist
Tool Box Discipline
Problem Starters
Problem Stoppers
Point of View
Saying the Right Thing
Compliments
Discipline and Grandparents
Minor Complaints About Grandparents
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Dear Grandparent,
Communication is a key to healthy families. Most of us could benefit from
paying close attention to what we say, and listening attentively.
Sincerely,
Andrea Bressler, CFCS, Extension Agent
COMMUNICATION CHECKLIST
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Check your voice tone. No one likes to be yelled at. Use a calm, in control
yourself voice.
Say what you mean or want. Word games frustrate children as well as adults.
Get the other person's attention. It's futile to holler into the next room.
Get near to the person and allow time for her to turn towards you.
Make your message clear. There's no need for fancy or flowery words. Repeat
your message if necessary.
Make sure the other person understands. It seldom occurs to some adults that
children may not understand their request. Don't assume that the other person
"knows" what you're talking about.
Set a good example. Grandchildren will model your communication style. If
you interrupt, they will interrupt. If you consistently yell, you'll hear
them yelling. If your words show respect and concern for others, your
grandchildren will learn respect.
Be relevant. Know what is going on in your grandchild's life and your
children's lives. What are their interests?
Avoid communication blockouts, such as preaching, commanding, threats, and
judgment statements.
-----------------------HERE COME THE GRANDKIDS-------------------------
Tool Box for Discipline
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While young children struggle with issues of autonomy and control, they remain
completely dependent on adults. Grandparents may get frustrated when a
grandchild's behavior causes their patience and energy to run out. It's a
good idea to have a tool box of discipline ideas to try.
When children become frustrated, even with a trivial matter, they explode. A
tantrum may be a result of pent-up feelings, tiredness, disappointment, anger.
Here are some tips to help you deal:
* Set limits, explain them to the child.
* Let it run its course--tantrums vary in length. Move your
grandchild if in a potentially dangerous area. Stay calm!
* Welcome your grandchild back when the tantrum is over. Tantrums
are a sign of growing independence.
When a power struggle occurs, stop and think, is this a situation where I can
give a choice? Choices help children grow into independence.
If your grandchild happens to be a more difficult child to manage, Elaine
Winkelman, trainer for the Central Region School Age Child Care Project and
the emotional support teacher to the State College Area Schools, State
College, PA, offers a few of her tools for discipline:
* Get close to the child when making a request/command. Get eye
contact.
* Use a quiet voice, don't yell. Yelling may encourage negative
behavior.
* Give the child time to respond. A child will process the request,
consider alternatives and make a choice.
* Don't nag. If overwhelmed by verbal hammering, a child may
shutdown.
* Give one request at a time. Know how much information your
grandchild can handle. This will vary with age.
* Be calm and in control of your own reactions. Children watch
and listen to what you do and say.
* Avoid a question format. Avoid, "Isn't it time to put the toys
away?" The child could easily say "no." Instead make the request
a polite command, "Please put the toys away."
* Use more DO's than DON'T's. Tell them what you want rather than
what you don't want.
* Believe your grandchild really wants to please; some just don't
know how. Let your grandchildren know when they have done
something desirable. This may be the most important tip of all!
Here is a short list of books you and your grandchild can read together:
"The Quarreling Book" by Charlotte Yolotow
"What Do You Say Dear?" by Sesyle Joslin
"I Like Me" by Nancy Carlson
"A Big Fat Enormous Lie" by Marjori Sharprat
"Franklin Fibs" by Paulette Bourgeois
"Jamaica's Friend" by Juanita Hairll
Prepared by: Margaret R. Malehorn, CFCS, Extension Agent, Cumberland County
-----------------------------CHILDREN'S PAGE---------------------------
Many times we get upset over trivial things that cause rifts in families for
years. Learn ways to resolve conflict before it starts.
Problem Starters
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The things people say or do that make a problem worse. When anger gets out of
control, we've got big trouble. With your grandchild, list some problem
starters:
1. Name calling
2. Yelling.
3. Don't share.
4.
5.
6.
Problem Stoppers
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The way people stay cool and work out their problems. Together list some ways
you can work out a problem before it's out of control.
1. Calm down.
2. Take a deep breath.
3. Say: "Let's work this out."
4. Walk away.
5.
6.
Point of View
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Everybody has a different point of view. The way we see things can make a
difference when we're trying to work out a problem. We have to tell each
other how we see things and really try to understand.
When a problem occurs -- pretend to switch places with your grandchild. Have
your grandchild be you and you pretend to be the grandchild. The adage "the
shoe is on the other foot."
Saying The Right Thing
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Words can hurt others and make problems worse. Circle the statements that are
friendly rather than fighting statements.
"Come on! Get with it"!
"Sorry, that was kind of a wild throw".
"What do you mean"? That was a bad throw"?
"No problem. Let's try again".
"You're such a loser. You can't do anything right".
"Here you go...nice catch".
"Oh, forget it. I'm leaving! Give me my ball back".
"Thanks, we're getting pretty good".
"Go ahead you bid baby"! I'm never playing with you again".
"Yeah, if we keep practicing we'll both make the team".
Prepared by: Sandra P. Hall, Extension Agent, Clinton and Centre Counties.
---------------------------GRAND IDEAS-------------------------------
Compliments
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When was the last time you said kind words or complimented your grandchildren?
For some grandchildren, finding something nice to say to them about their
accomplishments or behavior is easy. For others, who always seem to be into
mischief or over active (a little too fast for their grandparents), it might
be hard to find something they are doing that you can praise them for.
Nonetheless, these children need kind words just the same and sometimes more
than children who always please you. Everyone needs encouragement and
appreciation!
Discipline and Grandparents
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This day and age when grandparents are often asked to baby-sit, the subject of
discipline may come to the surface. There needs to be an understanding as to
what the parents want. Grandparents need to know the family rules. What are
the rules regarding food, bedtimes, where the children can play, TV viewing,
chores, etc. If the parent is far more authoritative than the grandparent or
vice versa, the child may become confused. Good communication between parent
and grandparent is a must to have a good baby-sitting relationship.
Minor Complaints About Grandparents
-----------------------------------
Most grandchildren really love their grandparents, but they do have some minor
complaints. Here are a few:
* "They always want me to take a nap. I think they are the one
who needs the nap."
* "They are just going for a drive. I like to go some place."
* "When I make a mistake, they have to tell everyone about it."
* "They act like I'm not there when they talk."
* "They visit their friends and I have to go along."
Look at the hidden meanings in these statements. We can all learn something
from these observations.
Prepared by: Jane Beightol, Extension Agent, Mifflin County
This publication is available in alternative media on request.
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Dr. Dan Lago, Ph.D., Penn State Extension Aging Specialist
Penn State College of Agricultural Sciences
323 Ag. Administration Building, University Park, PA 16802-2601
(814) 863-7871
Internet Address: DJL@PSU.EDU