Grandparent Opportunities Vol. 6, #5
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GRANDPARENT OPPORTUNITIES
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"Golden Opportunities for Grandparents" (Volume 6, Number 5, 1995) is an
extension newsletter prepared by Jane Beightol, Mifflin Co., (717) 248-9618;
Andrea Bressler, Clearfield Co. (814) 765-7878; Nancy Covert, Jefferson Co.
(814) 849-7361; Debra Gregory, Huntingdon Co. (814) 643-1660; Sandra Hall,
Clinton Co. (717) 893-4050; and Jane Mecum, Perry Co. (717) 582-2131. This
electronic version is for use by other agents or directly by community
members. (Professionals: Please acknowledge the source of these materials if
you re-use them.)
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Dear Grandparents,
Families today come in all sizes and shapes, colors, creeds and classes. Some
are older and some are so very young, it's hard to believe. More and more,
families are blended and many do not have more than one parent.
Yet, there are still family households that include extended family members,
grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, and great grandparents.
Families may consist of more than one immediate family who may or may not even
be related.
Children may be from more than one former marriage. There are brothers and
sisters, half brothers and sisters, step brothers and sisters, foster and
adopted brothers and sisters, who may all share the same household.
"It can be confusing, sometimes heartbreaking and sometimes wonderful,
depending on the circumstances, your coping skills and your capacity for
loving," says one grandmother of nine. "Some of my grandchildren call me
'NanNa', some call me 'Gram', and some call me 'Busha', but they all know how
to give and receive a bear hug.
As a grandparent in a blended family, you may wonder from time to time what
you can do to be a better grandparent. How can you help without hurting?
I've never known a grandchild who didn't like warm fuzzies. When I was a
foster parent, trying to include new children into our family, often at a
moment's notice, my own dear grandma gave me this advise, "When in doubt about
what to do, LOVE!"
Sincerely,
Nancy Covert, Extension Agent
STEP-GRANDCHILDREN
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A grown child's remarriage and the presence of step-grandchildren brings with
it a different set of challenges. To begin with, the extended family may
include as many as four sets of grandparents or more! How relationships grow
depends on the age of the children (younger ones are usually more easily
integrated), where they live, whether a child lives full-time with a
grandparent's adult child or is a weekend visitor, and finally, the child's
relationship with his or her biological grandparents.
Numerous dilemmas can arise.
* Where will the children spend the holidays?
* What do they call their step-grandparents?
For the sake of the children, it is important that grandparents make every
effort to treat biological and step-grandchildren fairly. Having a shortage
of role models and lack of rules on how to blend families successfully makes
this an even greater challenge. Turning a tangled family network into calm
and loving relationships depends on common sense, the willingness to
compromise, and a sense of humor!
DIVORCE
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When parents divorce, the link between grandparent and grandchildren comes
under great strain. Yet, the time during and after divorce is exactly when
youngsters need most the sense of family continuity. Grandparents are a key
factor in how children adjust.
Grandparents on the non-custodial side may find their access to grandchildren
restricted or cut off. The custodial parent may move away, or the emotional
fallout of the divorce may be so bitter that a custodial parent may be
alienated from the grandparents. This makes it very awkward for grandparents
to keep in touch with the grandchild(ren).
There are more than 20 million children of divorce. Everyone needs to find
the tact and patience to deal with the situation in a positive way. Here are
some suggestions:
* When a couple divorces, the tendency of grandparents is to side with
their child against his or her spouse. Try to remain neutral. It is
in your grandchild's best interests to keep matters as amicable as
possible.
* Keep in mind that once the painful transition period is over, it will
be easier to arrange ways to maintain or re-establish contact with
grandchildren.
* Try to continue the pre-breakup pattern of relationship until a new
one can be worked out.
* Not only should you try not to take sides, don't attempt to get the
children to do so.
* Parents should not use grandparents as a weapon in the struggle for a
child's loyalty.
* Stay flexible. Patience will, in time, most likely pay off in a
better relationship.
* Legal action may be taken as last recourse.
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"GETTING TO KNOW YOU" ACTIVITY
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Stepfamily life offers children many opportunities and resources, but also
challenges and changes.
Meeting new step-grandparents can be fun as well as scary. As a
step-grandparent, you can use the following activity to help get to know your
step-grandchildren better. (Many of these ideas apply to all grandchildren).
You will need a paper and pencil and a picture of each of your
step-grandchildren. While looking at the pictures:
* Write as many positive words or phrases as you can think of that
describe each child. If you have difficulty thinking of even one
positive word for a specific child, you may want to talk with your
partner, another adult in the stepfamily or seek some professional
help.
* Identify the changes each child has had to adjust to as a result of
life in a stepfamily.
* Think of one way in which you could help each child feel more
comfortable in this family. If the idea is dependent on the
agreement of the absent parent or your partner, it may prevent you
from taking a step to build family strengths. There are many things
you can do that will support each child's well-being.
SUGGESTIONS:
* Does the child have a special food or menu that the whole family
would enjoy?
* Does the child have a private space? Is there anything that could be
done to improve it?
* Is there a book or some reading list that might help you understand
the needs of the child?
* Is there an activity that the child enjoys, but has not done for
awhile?
Once the list is complete for each child, move to the action stage.
During the next few weeks or the next visit, do whatever you decided would
make the child more comfortable.
It can be helpful to repeat this activity every few months.
Is the list of positive words growing?
Have you noticed a change in the family?
Are you more aware of each child's individuality?
Source: Cornell Cooperative Extension, Broome County, NY. "Building Strong
Stepfamilies".
Submitted by Debra A. Gregory, Huntingdon County
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GRANDPARENTS ALSO NEED SHOTS
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Receiving shots is a regular part of a young child's visit to the doctor.
Most parents insist their children receive the necessary immunizations. But
how about yourself? Just because you're a grandparent doesn't exclude you
from also needing a few shots.
Adults need a tetanus booster every 10 years. If you sustain a heavily
contaminated wound, see your doctor. A booster may be appropriate if you have
not received one within the preceding five years.
Anyone over 65 is advised to get an influenza vaccination yearly since strains
of influenza vary from year to year. Anyone with chronic pulmonary, heart, or
kidney disease or diabetes should also be vaccinated for influenza.
These same groups should also receive a one-time vaccine against the 23
strains of bacteria that cause about 80% of the pneumococcal diseases
(predominately pneumonia) in this country.
(Source: Wellness Letter, University of California, Berkeley)
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LESS CAN BE BETTER
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Are you discouraged about all the limitations required to eat a low-fat diet?
Tired of all the recipes with ingredients that you don't have? Don't despair,
learn to modify your favorite recipes to reduce their fat content.
Many recipes call for more sugar, salt, or fat than is necessary:
* Try using half the amount of sugar in a recipe.
* Omit the salt from recipes, except when pickling.
* Reduce the amount of fat by a third. If you're satisfied with the
product, reduce it to one half.
* Substitute skim milk (evaporated skim milk is as thick as cream),
low-fat or non-fat yogurt, or low-fat cottage cheese (pureed in a
blender with a little lemon juice) for whole milk, cream, or sour
cream.
* Use two egg whites instead of a whole egg.
* Use herbs and lemon or lime juice for seasoning vegetables in place
of butter.
* Use non-stick cookware.
* Marinate meats, poultry, and fish in herb-flavored vinegar, wine,
lemon juice, well-seasoned broth, or low-sodium soy sauce instead of
oil-based marinades.
Where trade names appear, no discrimination is intended and no endorsement by
Penn State Cooperative Extension is implied.
This publication is available in alternative media on request.
The Pennsylvania State University is committed to the policy that all persons
shall have equal access to programs, facilities, admission, and employment
without regard to personal
characteristics not related to ability, performance, or qualifications as
determined by University policy or by state or federal authorities. The
Pennsylvania State University does not discriminate against any person because
of age, ancestry, color, disability or handicap, national origin, race,
religious creed, sex, sexual orientation, or veteran status. Direct all
inquiries regarding the nondiscrimination policy to the Affirmative Action
Director, The Pennsylvania State University, 201 Willard Building, University
Park, PA 16802-2801; tel. (814) 863-0471; TDD (814) 865-3175.
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Dr. Dan Lago, Ph.D., Penn State Extension Aging Specialist
Penn State College of Agricultural Sciences
323 Ag Administration Building, University Park, PA 16802
(814) 863-7871
Internet Address: DJL@PSU.EDU