Senior Issues Newsletter, Vol. 3, No. 10
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SENIOR ISSUES NEWSLETTER
Vol. 3, No. 10
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"Senior Issues" is written by the following Penn State Cooperative Extension
agents who comprise the Northwest Pennsylvania Aging Cluster Team: Janice
Alberico (Lawrence County), Nancy Covert (Jefferson County), Holly Hedstrom
(Erie County), and Janet McDougall (Mercer County).
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LOSS IN A NEW LIGHT
Summer is coming to an end and when the seasons end, we have changes such as
days become shorter, weather changes, family and grandchildren go back home,
and may not be visiting again until Thanksgiving or Christmas, people move
away due to job changes and the list goes on and on.
For some of us when the changes mentioned above occur we deal with them as a
loss. Loss is a part of life. Our thoughts, emotions, needs, and responses
are unique, so loss means something different to each of us.
Living with loss is hard work, some of the people around us may prefer that we
react to a loss as they would. When we do, they are convinced that their way
is the right way. Others may not feel comfortable with listening to our
feelings and discourage us from sharing and expressing. When people place
expectations on us, living with loss becomes even harder. We all have to deal
with loss in our own way.
Whatever the situation, it is important that we recognize the depth of loss we
feel and how it affects us. There are losses, such as death of a loved one,
loss of teeth, and some losses that involve the less obvious such as aging,
retirement, relocation, etc.
Special consideration must be given to the impact of loss on families. One
personUs loss can affect the entire family.
It may be nice to know that loss can create an opportunity to accept your
feelings, develop a new sense of who you are, rearrange priorities in life,
learn new skills, care about others and their losses and live in a new light.
As a part of dealing with loss we need to learn how to cope and adjust. Loss
challenges us by changing our priorities, goals, and what we expect. The way
we cope with loss depends partly on how we accept the changes and challenges
that take place in our lives. We may achieve fulfillment by finding alternate
ways to meet our personal needs.
Everyone requires varying amounts of the following:
Affiliation - the sense of being connected (to family, friends, co-workers,
church, or social group); feeling part of such groups.
Attachment - the emotional bond between yourself and others.
Love - relationship with another that involves the combination of desire,
attraction, passion, attachment, and commitment.
Affection - exchanging a warm liking or tenderness with someone.
Recognition - being well known, being identified with a particular skill (such
as an excellent woodworker or seamstress) or anything else that is part of
you.
Approval - being accepted or agreed with.
Status - an evaluation based on employment, education, income, or other
ranking.
Power or Influence - the ability to get others to accomplish what you desire
without using force or authority.
The value of each of us places on these needs makes us unique. Our life
experiences are the way we rank our needs. Such as one may have a greater
need for affection and another status and so on.
What is Coping?
Coping is a normal stage of living with loss. It is a struggle you go through
daily to meet your personal needs while managing the demands of your new
situation. The struggle is not to be unhealthy or detrimental. Coping well
might involve maintaining your faith, finding value in being around others, or
just doing better than you did yesterday.
One way to cope with loss is to improve your health, your outlook on life and
stamina.
Here are a few suggestions:
Write your feelings in a diary, do something new and different, do a puzzle,
reminisce, listen to music, take a walk, do something for someone else, and
anything that you enjoy that would help you cope.
When coping with making New Decisions take the following steps:
Gather the information you need, list your options, determine your best
option, create a way to carry out the plan, carry out the plan. Evaluate how
well the plan is working, consider other options if necessary, and continue
the plan or choose another method.
Adjustment will begin when you accept the loss and become determined to live
beyond it. Believing that you can create a new life may not be easy. Viewed
as an achievement to work for, adjustment of loss will be possible.
Excerpt from "Loss . . . In a New Light" program developed by Nancy Brink
Stong, M.Ed. candidate, Counsel-ing and Educational Psychology, Penn State,
and Barbara W. Davis, Associate Professor of Agricultural and Extension
Education.
GRANDPARENTS' ROLE IN DIVORCE AND "KINSHIP CARE"
Several years ago, the Oscar-winning film "Kramer vs. Kramer" was praised for
its sensitive treatment of a marital relationship fractured by divorce. The
parents' anguish and a child's bruised psyche became a box office hit. But
where were the grandparents? Given the trends described in the above
statistics, if the film were produced today, the scriptwriters would
necessarily need to include the child's grandparents.
Increasingly, grandparents are playing key roles in divorce involving their
adult children, particularly with regard to caring for grandchildren. Whether
it be in terms of offering temporary child care, gaining visitation rights
after the divorce or seeking custody over grandchildren who have been
abandoned or abused, today's grandparent is more involved in "kinship care"
than ever before.
"Kinship care" refers to care provided for children by relatives other than
their parents. The increasing involvement of grandparents in "kinship care"
is due to three interacting factors: (a) the increased responsibilities
carried by many grandparents who serve as caregivers of grandchildren during
times of family crisis; (b) the increasing number of grandparents who are
younger and healthier than previous generations of grandparents (conditions
that positively affect their ability to care for grandchildren); and (c) a
growing body of research indicating that there are substantial benefits to
children from interaction with grandparents.
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CAREGIVER CONCERNS
SURVIVING TOUGH TIMES
The old saying, "A friend in need is a friend in deed," often gives reason to
think. But it's especially hard to know what to do or say, when we want to
help a friend who is dealing with a major life change or crisis.
My backyard neighbor lady has been fighting ovarian cancer for nearly two
years. She's had surgery, radiation and chemotherapy treatments. She's very
tired and unable to carry on with her baking and flower gardening. Her
husband has been a wonderful caregiver, but he's weary. They both are doing
their best to work through things a day at a time. Their three daughters live
far away.
A close coworker recently had to move her mother to a personal care facility
because her mom could no longer stay alone in her senior living apartment. My
coworker has children and a husband who has heart problems. She feels badly
because she can't care personally for her mom.
She has a brother who will help with expenses. But it's the personal
day-to-day interaction and decisions about her mom that has my friend worried.
Guess, if I don't know what to say, I can listen without judgment. Just be
there for her.
One thing I'm definitely NOT going to say is that I know exactly how she
feels, because I don't. It's important to simply accept the way my friend
feels. I don't want to be pushy. I think she is grieving this change as a
step closer to parting with her mom.
In the past, my backyard neighbors have shared garden tools and garden chores.
We've helped each other with big jobs and parties. But, somehow this seems
different.
What to do to help or how to talk with these lovely friends, seems to have
suddenly made me stop and think. For the first time in my life, I feel
awkward about visiting or helping.
I know that a loaf of homemade cranberry bread would be as welcome as it's
always been. But somehow I don't think that it's enough. Maybe I could offer
to do something specific for my backyard friends, like house clean the porch
and help set out the porch chairs or perhaps run errands. Or maybe, take over
Saturday lunch to share. At least, these are a start. Then maybe they will
think of other things I can do. If I just continue to keep the communication
door open, it's my friend's job to walk through that door.
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Reviewed by: Dan Lago, Ph.D.
Adult Development and Aging Specialist
Department of Agricultural and Extension Education
Penn State University, College of Agricultural Sciences
323 Agricultural Administration Building, University Park, PA 16802
Voice: (814) 863-7871
E-mail: djl@psu.edu